Searching For Solace
by FlowerofAdversity
Summary: Christopher has returned to heroin to deal with the pain that Adrianna's death has left him with. Uncle Tony, by force with help from some of the guys, is able to get Christopher into rehab...


Note: Ever since Adrianna was found to be a snitch for the FBI, Christopher has been suffering her loss. He has found some comfort in drugs again and is forced to go into rehab. There he meets the resillient, tough-as-nails and gorgeous councillor Fiona Barretta. Will he be able to open his heart to love again or be driven to despair, rage, and regret ?

Chapter 1—Chasing Angeldust

Even though Christopher had recently been kicked around by Tony for turing to Heroin, he went back to snorting it once again. His heart was numb and his tears had run dry. The only comfort he had now was in the angeldust itself. The drug left him feeling as if he were bathed in light. The euphoria it gave him was even better than the ecstasy of sex. Sadly, the high only lasted momentarily and he was desperate for his next fix. He had plenty of money to burn and knew some sellers he could get in contact with but he would wait for a bit until he really desired more of what he sought. For now, he would crash on his sofa, alone, and watch the colors swirling in different paterns on the walls.

Before he knew it, Christopher was being hauled away by Silvio and Uncle Tony, who was irate with him. Fortunately, Tony had been too tired from his trip to the Bing to mess Christopher up. After all, Christopher was being groomed to become the underboss of the Soprano crime ring someday. Even though there were times when Tony wanted to beat the heck out of Christopher he knew he couldn't. The future was in his hands and that is why he was being taken to rehab, whether he wanted to go or not.

Christopher wriggled, writhed and did all he accomplished was nothing. He couldn't go anywhere. Tony and Sil's hands were far too strong and meaty for him to escape. Suddenly, sleep overcame Christopher and he found himself having dreams of Adriana yet again. She told him to let go, not to worry about her. She had done wrong, but she said she would always love him and watch over him when he was ever in trouble. She kissed him goodbye and told him not to cry because the time for tears was now over. He wasn't sure what that meant, but he knew it was a vision. If anyone else knew about it, they would think he was sick in the head, so he kept it to himself.

Chapter 2—Rehab, Shmehab

When Christopher awakened it felt as if he had been mauled with a baseball bat. Momentarily, he had forgotten to whence he had been taken. But by the time the reality had kicked in, he was far too tired to retaliate and all of his weapons had been confiscated. He was already in a foul mood and he definitely didn't want to go to the "group therapy". He muttered swears under his breath, but something within him changed when he saw who was going to be conducting the sessions, his attitude started to change a little.

Christopher was still reluctant to participate but the director made it manditory for him. She was a beautiful, intelligent, strong woman by the name of Fiona Barretta. She had seen a lot of the downfalls of living in the streets first hand, but she had always managed to keep herself out of trouble. She was a wonderful person with a heart of gold and she cared deeply for each and every member of the group that was going through "cleansing". Christopher didn't want to admit that he found Fiona extremely attractive. The pangs of lonliness and anger were still clawing at his heart but he didn't want anyone else to know. He was macho, he wasn't supposed to allow anyone else to get close to him or his feelings. But somehow, Fiona was very inviting and she was able to get him to come out of his shell a little. He didn't believe it at first, but he was actually beginning to feel slightly happier. Something about her made him smile and he wanted to get to know her more. But then he realized that he couldn't allow himself to do that. He was in the underrealm, the deepest, darkest place any human could ever dwell in. He kept his true feelings hidden deep within him, hoping they would never resurface. If he wanted girls, he could always go to the Bada Bing when he wanted a quick romp under the covers. Putting that into perspective made him grin and he felt his strength returning. What he didn't know is Fiona would check on him and would put forth more effort than any other woman he had ever known. For the moment, visions of half-naked women ran through his head. He would go through the motions, and hopefully he would be able to remain clean and sober, not going back to the disappointing life of addiction. It would take hard work, sweat, and perhaps some tears, but it was definitely worth his time. After all, he would have to live long to uphold the Soprano legacy.

Chapter 3—Clean and Sober, Thus Far

After passing all of the tests and undergoing bloodwork, Christopher had finally broken away from any desire to do drugs of any kind. Of course, he would drink from time to time, but it was just what he enjoyed doing. He would hardly, if ever, become drunk. Besides, it was good to be back with the old gang again, not worrying about watching his mouth around others. He could express himself clearly and deliberately, unhindered by a "conscience" like Fiona. All thoughts of her had been erased since he had gotten back with Tony and the rest of the "family". It was great to be back in the Bing, but matters were never quiet for long.

Some random Iranian came in, trying to peddle his wares. He had offered some of the customers cheap illegal drugs and he was also offering guys the experience of a prostitute called "Arabian Delight". She was famous around Arabia and could show these girls in the Bing a thing or two about arousing a man. However, some of the women didn't like the idea of competition and a fight broke out. Luckily, Paulie, Sil and the other heavies of the club were able to get the ladies to calm down and realize this was all meant as a gesture of friendship and understanding in a time of war and harshness. Christopher saw Arabian Delight from a distance and wanted to see what she was capable of for himself. Another one of the guys was able to talk to her and she agreed quickly to meet him in one of the VIP rooms.

Arabian Delight was quite blunt and got straight to the point, and it was true that she knew exactly how to turn a man on. Christopher hadn't felt this satisfied in a long time and had collasped upon the bed, Delight by his side.

"I haven't had sex like that in _years_.", he said, catching his breath.

"I am glad I was able to please you master. If there is anything else you desire before I must go with my pimp tomorrow, allow me to know. You too, have pleased me entirely. You know what buttons to push to drive a woman wild. I _like _that in a man.", Delight said, nibbling gently on his ear. He sighed again in bliss and yawned.

"I'm f#$in' exhausted.", Christopher said, yawning and stretching.

"Then, sleep my sweet prince. May your dreams be resplendant.", Delight said, kissing his cheek gently before watching him go to sleep. She turned out the lights and gazed at the clock. It was already time for her to meet Mustafa. She left him a bottle of fragrence for him to remember her by. It was her favorite scent, myrr with ylang-ylang. She would miss him, but having feelings for clients wasn't in her nature. She knew she had to move, much like a caravan, to other clients who were begging to have her.

By the time Christopher woke up, he knew he would have to start looking for publishers and begin working on his memoirs as well as his many ideas he had for TV scripts and action movie formulas. His muse had been recharged and he was fired up, ready to conquer all the empty space he could. Before he could start working in his new house that Tony had bough especially for him, an unexpected call came in on his cellular phone.

"Who the f$# is this ?", he questioned, angrily. He didn't want to be bothered at this time, he was far too consumed with his work.

"Well, that's a fine 'hello'. Don't you recognize me, Christopher ? It's me, Fiona ! I was simply contacting you to see how you were holding up.", Fiona said, cheerfully. It was miraculous but her enthusiasm was contagious. He couldn't help but smile at hearing her voice again, but he was fearful that he might be going soft after all these years of being a ruthless killer and second in command to his Uncle.

"I'm alright. I've been sober for about 2 or 3 months now. Whenever I have a craving I do something else, jog, lift weights, punch a punching bag, bowl, you know, whatever. How could you remember me out of all those other junkies in there ? I mean, Madon' ! There are so many people, it would give me a friggin headache.", Christopher confessed, laughing a little bit. Since his time in the "establishment" as he referred to it and back into the real world with the family, he hadn't laughed so heartily unless it was with her. He was starting to see a pattern and he wanted to be cautious about that. She couldn't get involved with him, although she would be oblivious to his type of lifestyle. So long as she was clueless, perhaps she wouldn't meet the same fate, but the fears and doubts were clouding his rationality.

"It is difficult, I admit. But, you really stood out to me. I just couldn't erase your smile from my mind's eye. I must tell you, whenever I had a bad day, I saw that glistening grin and my spirits were lifted. Listen to me, I'm rambling on like some sort of drama queen !", Fiona answered. Christopher wasn't the type to blush but her words had caused his cheeks to turn red. For a moment, he was having difficulty forming words, or even speaking for that matter.

"I think it's great that you wanted to check up on me, make sure I wasn't screwing around. Trust me, I'm not. I have no interest in that junk any longer. More important matters are keeping me occupied. Besides, I'm back to my true high in life, writing.", Christopher confessed.

"Magnificent. Keep up the good work. I'll keep in touch !", Fiona said, before hanging up. Christopher wanted to say something in return but she had left before he could tell her it wasn't such a stupendous idea to keep contacting him. Inasmuch as he didn't want to admit it, he thought he was falling for her. But, he knew he would have to learn to fully accept his lonliness before completely opening up once more.

Chapter 4—Emotional Detachment

Christopher would receive calls from Fiona every so often and he knew he couldn't allow himself to continue to be in love with her. She was far away from him but he was afraid that his love for her would drive him to find her and possibly get involved in a situation that would make him look bad. He was a gentleman by nature although he could be violent at times but, he realized he had to leave Fiona behind and leave her a message.

"Hey, Fiona...This is Christopher. I just wanted to let you know I am doing well. I must be moving on though. Don't ask why, just know it's better this way.", the message said. The anger inside him was almost unbearable and he almost threw his cordless phone across the room. He collapsed upon his sofa and yelled obscenities at the top of his lungs. Love was far too painful, and he wondered why he even bothered to fall into it or be involved in it. But, Fiona had been unlike any other woman he had met. She had class, beauty, brains, and a certain toughness about her he admired. He had to forget her completely now. Any images of her in his head had to be erased. He would have to find something else to occupy his time with and it seemed being involved in illegal trade of illegal drugs was keeping him busy enough. However, the other guys noticed that he seemed aloof and distant. They then realized that the only thing that would take his mind off of all of the tragedy that had surrounded him would be billards at the Bing and Bowling at the local alley.

Paulie and Christopher still had their moments when they would bust each others balls about something, but deep down they were like the brother neither one of them knew they had. Christopher had been in the lead in billiards but since it was only for fun, they weren't keeping score.

"So, you feelin' better now, Chris ?", Paulie questioned.

"Yeah. It feels just like old times. I'm famished though. I'm really cravin' some of Artie's good eats.", Christopher said, patting his stomach in anticipation.

"I'll drive.", Sil added.

"You footin' the bill ?", Paulie jested.

"The day I foot a bill it'll be a cold day in Hell.", Sil said, smiling slyly. All of them laughed and for the first time in a long time, Christopher had been able to laugh freely and be himself for once. He hadn't completely forgotten about Adrianna or Fiona but he was slowly recovering and one day he would be completely whole again. He may not ever find love but he realized that he could be happy without love. All he needed were his goombas, and perhaps the occasional goomar.

Chapter 5—Letting Go

Once more, Christopher had recurring dreams of Adrianna asking him for forgiveness and to simply allow her to let go. Christopher didn't understand. He had already forgiven her of her wrongdoing.

"Dear, I accept what you've done, and I forgive you. Is that what you want ? I'll love you always, you know that.", Christopher said as Adrianna held him close. It was such a lucid dream that he could smell Chanel Number 5 on her skin and taste the sweetness of her lips. She was soft, warm and real, beauty and seduction incarnate. She was no longer wearing the dress she had been killed in though. She was wearing a robe-like garment that flowed like water over her curves and her hair sparkled in the sunlight.

"You have to let me go, Chrissy. I love you, but please let me go.", Adrianna said, without a hint of sadness in her voice.

"I won't forget you, but I will allow you to go. Be at peace, be among the angels, sweetheart.", Christopher said before she had kissed him goodbye. With that, she had completely vanished and all that was left was the essense of the Chanel Number 5 in the wind. There was no grief, no sorrow and nothing but a sensation of warmth and elation filled his heart. At last, he understood. She had wanted him to stop blaming himself for all of his sins in the past and he had done that. That sin had disappeared now and she was with God. He hoped that he could join her someday, but would probably have to go through Purgatory first...

That is, if Purgatory even existed.

Epilogue 

Christopher had noticed that he had completely transformed since working out his anger and had been able to find peace with himself. Once he saw Fiona walking down the street with husband and a baby on the way. Instead of feeling regret he was happy for her. Their worlds had never been meant to collide but she had helped him out a great deal. One day, he would send her an anonymous gift of flowers and a gift basket for the baby in waiting. At the moment, he had more macho business to attend to, yet, he would never forget her. He would ask around for her address later for the delivery of the gift but a wiseguy's work was never complete. As usual, by the end of the day, he had found Fiona's address and had the present shipped. She wouldn't have any clue as to whom it was from but in his heart he would know and that was all that mattered.

Sure, life was never pleasant for a noted member of the crime ring. There were times Christopher had to do things he didn't like, but muscle and violence usually spoke volumes to people that had done the "family" wrong. Often times, he wasn't sure the blood would ever wash from his hands and there were nightmares that would haunt him. However, he looked beyond that. He was sure one day he would become numb to all of that and rely on instinct much like his immigrant ancestors did when they came to Ellis Island. Someday he would be stepping into Uncle Tony's shoes and the world would look pretty intimidating. But with a bit of spit and polish, he would be able to step out into the world without a problem, ruling it with charisma, wit and a bit of twisted wiseguy humor.

The End

March 30, 2006


End file.
